Welcome to the FEMA Response Federal Interagency Operational Plan (FIOP), Phase 1a, ESF #13, in accordance with Presidential Policy Directive #8 (PPD-8). In other words, how to protect yourself and your family in the event of attack by a vicious horde of the undead. Due to the unpredictable nature of such an incident, your government has established these guidelines for eradication of zombie and zombie-like entities using common household items. Our goal is to arm you with tools to provide safe, effective treatment for our fellow death challenged citizens and family members, regardless of your financial situation. Together, we can keep death permanent!
When used with caution, fire is the simplest, most effective treatment for zombie infestation. The lack of a functional skeletal-muscular system means doing a “Stop, Drop, and Roll” is simply not an option. In addition to being a natural deterrent, fire offers the most complete method of undead destruction, and is recommended in most circumstances. Like a good campfire, zombies are best started alight from the bottom, so aim low and allow the flames to climb.
• AquaNet Hairspray Flamethrower – While most zombies could definitely do with a make-over, this hairspray is not to be used for teasing their bangs, but instead, for burning their faces. Simply hold up a lighter or match in front of the nozzle and spray directly at any exposed limbs. Zombie eyesight is generally poor and they often rely on their hearing or the delicious smell of living brains.
• Tiki Torch – With an average length of 57 inches, a decorative backyard Tiki Torch gives a comfortable distance from which to burn the animated rotting flesh back into the Hell from whence it came. Besides the flame end, most Tiki Torches come pre-spiked for easy insertion into lawns and flowers beds, but can just as easily pierce the decrepit remains of a former significant other’s head.
• Yankee Candles – Let’s be honest: zombies have quite a bit of trouble with odor, “down there”. By “down there”, we mean under the ground where they refuse to stay. Utilize some of your favorite fragrant votives to send them back to the nether regions, and keep the house smelling like you just baked cookies.
• Vape Pen – NOT RECOMMENDED – Please note that popular “vaping” pens and devices do not contain actual fire or smoke and only harmless vapor, making them ineffective for…well… anything, really.
Slicing and stabbing weapons
As a living human, mobility is your best defence against death or consumption. Reciprocally, reducing an attacker’s mobility is an key survival tactic. Removing the limbs and rendering a target immobile allows time for escape, applying a field dressing, or performing last rites. The standard zombie attacker is lacking in intelligence, but take away a limb, and it’s still 86% combat effective. Here’s a tip: aim for the brain to put it down for good.
• Shovel – Utilitarian is the word when it comes to effective zombie killing, and nothing ecompasses this ideal like a garden variety shovel. Hand-held models, while useful at short range, are a last resort, so try to maintain your distance with at least a medium length pole. The inherent brittleness of dead bones and reduced durability of rotten flesh makes the shovel an excellent tool for dismemberment. Additionally, it can be used for safe handling of scattered body parts. CAUTION: Re-burial of affected zombie parts is not recommended. Exposed segments should be either burned or placed in a sturdy container such as a garbage can with a locking lid or a dumpster.
• Chainsaw (or other power tools) – NOT RECOMMENDED – At first glance, a chainsaw or other power tool may seem an effective weapon, but their capabilities are off-set by the amount of noise generated. Like ants, zombies rely on their large numbers to overwhelm and defeat even the hardiest of foes. Avoid using power tools unless absolutely necessary and you can remain silent, but deadly.
• Garden Shears (Loppers) – Like the shovel, garden shears can be found in a variety of shapes and sizes. Ideally, you’ll want a larger, two handed model, also known as a Lopper. Essentially a large pair of scissors, a properly sharpened Lopper can easily trim arms and legs from zombies that get a little too eager with their reaching and grabbing. Later, a standard garden rake can help collect any stray arms and legs for easy disposal.
• Axe – Like AquaNet, Axe Body Spray utilizes pressurized gasses to ensure that its fragrances are properly distributed over a wide area. These gasses can be set aflame and will melt the flesh of multiple assailants whatever their current death status.
There will be times when precision hits and targeted blows will be difficult to pull off, and you may be forced to flail about like a 3rd grader on the school playground. In situations like these, proper equipment can make the difference between living to fight another day, or learning what it feels like to watch someone bite into one of your intestines. Weapons in this category require less finesse and can be wielded easily, even if it’s been awhile since you’ve been to the gym.
• Frying Pan – When it comes to frying pans, old is gold. Ideally, it’s Grandma’s solid, cast iron skillet that will serve well to knock back even the most aggressive intruders. Avoid plastic handles or handleless woks, as a good, strong length is needed for proper technique and backswing. For bonus damage, place your pan over HIGH heat for 5 minutes to properly season it before engaging an assailant. CAUTION: properly sanitize any pan that has been used in combat before attempting to use it as a cooking device.
• Bowling Ball – Don’t let all of those hours you’ve spent playing Wii Bowling go to waste. While a bowling ball is useful as a projectile weapon, throwing it may leave you vulnerable to attack from subsequent waves of zombies. Keep firm grip on your ball and you’ll be able to smash multiple zombie heads and protect your flat screen TV from harm. If surrounded, extended your ball arm and spin in a circle
• Golf Club – The satisfying feeling of a well-swung golf club is a thing of beauty. It can also take a zombie’s head clean off. Keep your feet shoulder length apart and bend your knees slightly. The left arm should remain straight as you bring the club back, wrists should remain cocked until just before impact. Remember to follow-through completely and maintain posture and balance throughout. Avoid the instinct to look up just before impact: keep your eye on the zombie.
• Clothes Iron and Ironing Board – If you find yourself losing steam and the horde outside your door is pressing the issue of eating your brains, a trip to the laundry room might be in order. The solid heft of a clothes iron will add power to your fist while keeping your collar crisp. Additionally, an ironing board can double as a makeshift shield with extendable push action: hold the legs with the ironing surface facing outward, then squeeze them together to extend the board and push back the horde.
Follow these guidelines in the event of an unnatural disaster, and keep yourself and your family safe from harm. Remember to tune into your local radio station for emergency broadcast messages, and keep plenty of clean water on hand for clean up in the event of contact with zombie blood or other fluids. Finally, remember that your community needs you to take extreme caution in any undead event, as every fallen human equals one more zombie for the horde.
Written by Brian Kent