Updated January 29, 2016 with new artwork by Erick Lingbloom
Excerpt from Zombie Survival Today article Zombies and You: A Guide for Homesteaders by Zane “Lobotomizer” Franklin
Oh I know what you’re thinking – I’ve seen the information videos the army send out to the safe zones; I’ve taken the tests and filled out the forums; I’m ready to venture out and claim some land for me and my family…
Well I hate to break it to you, but YOU’RE WRONG. Over half the families that leave the safe zones for homesteading rights get bit in their ass (pun definitely intended!) by overconfidence and ignorance to what’s really out there. Lucky for you, you got ol’ Zane to pull your head out of the sand and dump coffee down your gullet. With over two decades of living outside the safe zones I’ve been asked to ZST to give you the low down on what you’ll be expecting out in the Z-zones.
Now let’s get down to brass knuckles shall we? Firstly – There’s more than one type of zombie – sure you’ve seen the run of the mill zombo shuffling around like a preteen at their first school dance. But that’s just the beginning my friends, and let me tell you when you’re out there alone, away from all the lights, and high walls, and a pack of Drudgers is running at you. You’ll be peeing you pants faster than a baby on a bender.
Everyone’s seen them, everyone knows them, nothing new. Shoot then in the face and don’t let them swarm you.
These are usually your athletic type, those fancy smancy, nylon wearing, salad eating, bike riding, vegans. Springy in life, springy in undeath as I always say. Theses are usually loners, I’ve seen them in packs of 2-3 though, but be warned they’ll be on top of you faster than flies on feces. You can spot them from their bright clothing, and well, the bouncing around. Something to do with how the tendons tighten when they die, but I’ve never bothered to ask one (Ha!). Shoot for the legs and if they get close spray and pray. Spray. And. Pray.
You find these fellers in any place with a good deal of deep shadows mostly, though they’ll travel if they hear something. No one quite know when or how they started doing it, but they just – blend. it’s damn near impossible to spot them, but they do have tell, whistling. You whistle, they’ll moan back, and I ain’t whistling dixie on that one. Best to avoid them if you can, they won’t grab you unless you’re almost on top of them, and they’re attracted to noise more than most.
They’re big, They’re bad, They’re old. Back in the old times, people would spend hours and hours working out, “making gains” bodybuilding nonsense, and when these folks turned, they turned bad. Don’t know how, but they got bigger and stronger than they were living. I’ve only seen one group in my time, and it took out a whole armored patrol like it they were throwing poorly worded insults rather than bullets. If you seen them, well, most likely you’re already dead. I only know of one man you walked away from an encounter with one of them up close, two dozen soldiers with him when it strolled into their camp. They dangerous and unpredictable, much like a tornado, or my ex wife!
Well that’s all I have time for this month. Keep your head down and your gun up. Stay safe.
To find out what type of zombie you will become when you are inevitably turned, try our quiz.
Written by Nathan Vig